Kiki S. Tjako: blog

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Berbahagialah orang yang mati muda. Salah. Manusia yang telah mati tidak dapat merasakan emosi lagi. Kebahagiaan itu menjadi milik kita, atas interpretasi kematian yang dialami oleh orang lain.

Berbahagialah orang yang tidak memiliki utang. Benar. Hidup tanpa utang sama dengan bernapas tanpa beban dan tentulah dapat dirasakan dengan kesadaran penuh oleh manusia yang masih bernafas. Yang kumaksudkan adalah segala jenis utang, yakni utang uang, utang jasa, termasuk utang penjelasan.

Pernahkah kamu mendengar seseorang berkata: "Saya tidak mau lagi berteman dengannya, dia telah berubah. Tidak seperti dulu lagi,"?

Dahulu, kalimat seperti itu membangkitkan hasrat ingin tahuku terhadap hal-hal yang barangkali tidak bermanfaat bagi hidupku. Mendengar cerita tentang perubahan sikap atau kejatuhan orang lain, sempat juga membuatku merasa senang --bahkan menang, padahal aku dan orang itu tidak sedang berkompetisi, tidak juga aku pernah cukup akrab dengan orang itu.

Katanya hidup adalah perjuangan sejak manusia masih berbentuk zigot. Manusia berjuang menumbuhkan organ dan anggota tubuh, berjuang bersama ibu saat didesak keluar dari rahim, berjuang membunyikan tangisan pertama, berjuang merangkak hingga akhirnya menjadi sosok yang harus mengumpulkan semangat dari berbagai konten motivasi supaya kuat berangkat ke tempat kerja. Hidup adalah perjuangan.

Tetapi, bagaimana jika kamu lelah? Bukankah selain pasti salah, manusia juga pasti merasakan lelah? Setelah berlari empat kilometer tanda henti, akhirnya saya ngos-ngosan, saya berhenti, duduk di trotoar jalan dan fokus memelankan tempo degub. Setelahnya, saya akan menakar-nakar, apakah stamina yang tersisa masih sanggup membawa tubuhku berlari 1 atau 2 kilometer lagi. Saya lebih sering tidak memaksakan diri. Saya menyerah, pulang, dan berpikir untuk berlari lebih jauh lagi di kesempatan berikutnya.

Beberapa kali saya berjuang demi nilai-nilai yang saya yakini. Semacam hamba yang bersetia pada diri sendiri. Rupanya kesetiaan semacam itu juga dapat melelahkan. Saya pernah berjuang menjadi satu-satunya orang yang taat aturan, pun dipatahkan oleh dominasi orang-orang yang tidak taat. Menurut mereka, saya salah. Menurut pikiranku sendiri, saya satu-satunya orang yang benar di antara pergumulan manusia sesat pikir. Sedemikian kuatku sampai aku pun merasakan lelah berkepanjangan.

Saat itulah, aku menyerah. Kuserahkan semuanya pada hamparan keadaan di hadapanku. Aku tidak berupaya mencerna, tidak juga hendak kujelaskan betapa lelahnya diriku. Aku hanya duduk di pelataran depan ruko yang tak pernah dilirik orang lain. Kupeluk tubuhku sendiri,

"Tidak apa-apa. Kamu lelah, berserah diri, tetapi kamu tetap unik"

Setelahnya, alam semesta mengambil perannya. Pola-pola yang sebenarnya telah kuketahui hanya jarang kuperhatikan, mulai menari mengikuti tempo jantung kehidupan. Seperti itulah adanya. Ketika satu menyerah, lainnya berjuang.

Pukul 9 pagi waktu itu, aku menemukan isi kepalaku berkurang. Di bagian depan dan belakang. Hari-hari sebelumnya, isi kepala yang telah hilang itu membuatku sulit meluruskan posisi kepala. Terkadang, bagian dahi telampau berat hingga aku sering nyaris terjatuh tanpa mempedulikan lokasi. Benar-benar pagi yang ganjil, karena memang tidak biasanya aku merasakan seperti itu. Biasanya kepala berat, sangat.

Aku bergerak dalam dunia teramat sempit, meski beruang-ruang. Di luar sana, ada yang dapat bergerak bebas, dari satu tempat ke tempat lain, dari satu ide ke ide lainnya. Aku di sini-sini saja. Ambang pintu ke dapur, kadang kala ke kamar mandi. Saat lelah, aku berdiam di dalam kamar tidur. Di depan rak buku seorang teman, [At least you keep the knife away].air mataku mengalir tak lagi menetes.

It's not that easy, living a life with many heart breaking experiences. Everybody wants a perfect family, the loyal one with eternal warmth. And mine, suck like losing a poker game in Texas after all in.

No, I'm not regretting this. I explain something here, to make one of you, understand about how difficult life can be but we gotta survive however. And If one of you cries your miserable life, probably you need to see somebody else's life. Her can be more difficult but she still can manage how to smile everyday.

I don't blame my self for having such a fragile heart. That is the function of it, isn't it? Your heart is made to feel, to feel hurt included. You need to worry if it didn't work anymore.

For a long time, I've been thought that It was me. I was the one who created all these painful feelings. But now, no need to blame. That's how this life works. You need to keep breaking your heart until it's opened, Rumi said. Yin-yang again. We need to enjoy every moment, your struggling to stay out of it is what hurts you. Be alive in every moment.

I have forgiven and forgotten all the agents, the mistakes, the painful things. Right now, I'm changing, reshaping my way of life. I am creating a new life style where no fake people, fake moments, and fake promises can enter. And I will never stop being myself, like honest to everything or not saying a word.

Like if a friend tells my secret to somebody else, I dismiss him.
If a lover wanna be comes only for love, I dismiss him.
If somebody says he likes me, I doubt it until I see what he could do to prove it.
If a place wanted me to stay, the system will make me feel comfortable.
I will never work for "thanks" only
I will never help before being asked anymore
Whoever act disrespectful to me, I dismiss him.

This planet is already too fvcking dirty filled with smart people who love to make fools at the others. They are the real disaster. I will never stop being a genuine person until I die, never give a fvck to the dirty society, whoever they are, their attitudes are all that matter.

So are you,
Never feel shy for being genuine. Don't stop being genuine.

I want to paint my helmet all black and stick on a "cat does fvck you" sticker in the middle of its back side, like I give the same to all riders and drivers behind, while I am knifing the wind with speed and sound.

I fell in love, stupidly

See his shadows ever since, on every corner

haunting like the bad habit I left years ago

I left my life with him, high hope

to that low percentage, I don't even pray for

I belong to somebody else, I can feel it.

Sinful lovers once shared things,

as pressures to ask forgiveness in this holy day.

Seakan dahulu, seorang saman berhasil membuka mata ketigaku: untuk melihat hal-hal buruk di dunia ini. Pada ritual kedua, dukun itu menutup bagian dari jiwaku yang mampu merasakan kebahagian di dunia ini. Kini aku hanya mampu melihat keburukan-keburukan dan bersedih terhadapnya.

Sebagai seorang prajurit yang dibaiat di puncak bukit kharismatik, ada perang yang tak perlu aku ladeni. Yaitu perang melawan sekelompok manusia lemah dan dungu. Tentu saja tak adil melawan mereka, sebab saya memiliki tingkat pemikiran yang lebih baik dan kekuatan yang jauh lebih besar. Lalu prajurit sepertiku hanya dapat menunjukkan rasa kasihan.

Dengan perasaan itu, aku melangkah pergi, menuju tanah baru dengan segala kejutannya. Ya, prajurit pengembara. Menggunakan mata batinnya untuk melihat kepedihan, menyerapnya, membantu orang-orang baik dan berpikiran tinggi yang sedang berusaha mengobati luka-luka dunia. Perang yang melibatkan mereka akan menjadi tempatku berada.

Anjiiir.....
Lagu yang mengatakan bahwa wanita adalah racun dunia itu adalah lagu sampah. Seenaknya menuduh racun dunia adalah perempuan. Penciptanya, penyanyinya, yang mempopulerkan adalah laki-laki, justru merekalah racunnya.

Sekarang, paling tepat memutar lagu Tame Impala - Feels Like We Only Go Backwards special buat diriku sendiri (exactly, I'm playing it, singalong with my laptop) terkait kehidupan saya yang lagi lucu-lucunya.

Years ago I was wild enough to move in an apartment, living with many different new friends. Saat itu semua baik-baik saja, mumpung rencana masa depan belum banyak dan penting-penting amat. Saat ini, rencana saya tidak seraksasa dahulu, yang terasa besar dan lebar adalah tanggung jawab yang pastinya akan sulit kutunaikan jika sebagian besar waktu dan pikiranku masih menjadi milik orang lain.

Aku mauku melanjutkan kehidupan yang baru, dengan target baru, orang-orang baru, dunia baru, dan kisah-kisah baru. Nggak mau ada pengulangan ataupun ciri khas dari masa laluku yang sudah tak relevan lagi dengan perubahan karakterku.

Ah, entah takdir mau bawa ke mana lagi

kok, aku kayak jalan mundur begini

-________________________-"

Being a 27 almost 28 years old girl is ridiculous. People assume you're not grown-up enough to be a woman, while others might think you're already a lady with pain in the ass.

Some ask me, "Where's your boyfriend?" I answered with a new question, "Seriously, at this age we still need a boyfriend? Lemme answer, I prefer to fuck my self up,"

That's, certainly rude for some ears. Others just laughed on my words. They think I can pick humor out of my miserable life, which they can't. Probably they are too busy comparing their lives each others, well that doesn't make any changes

Another funny thing is, I can't analyze how, when you're needy for example, marriage, the Internet becomes supportive. Maybe it's a matter of binary calculation or only a coincidence. I watch a comedy about marriage once, comes more suggestions.

I answered a phone call from my lecturer back in the university, his first question after "Where are you" is "where is your husband?" what the gsowibsvdoqo|\}£§\< I replied, "I'm still looking for him too" my lecturer fell to very loud laughter. Yeah, I'm so funny. I can start my own comedy channel.

The humorous part also comes from men around. Like thinking I'm needy enough to do one night stand then won't matter if they wouldn't call again. The truth is, my genital is a way more important that theirs. I love my vagina. Don't wanna let it to serve bastards. When it's time to eat dicks, I'd be so picky.

My father, may the force be with him, always look at my feminine parts as, call it assets for future, like i'm still an 18 years old teenager who doesn't give a fuck about marriage this time. Yeap, he's 50% correct, I don't really give a fuck about it.

For international readers, this writing is funny or normal. But, lemme tell you, many of Indonesians will swear and name me after animals or simple a whore bcos I write honestly.

This is the truth, i'm surrounded by hypocrites. So are you. Shake hands.

Aku menuliskan ini pada pukul 20.35 wita di mejaku, di kantor, dan tidak ada lagi rekan kerja seruangan di sekitarku.

Satu-persatu mereka beranjak menjauhi areal kantor sejak dua hari lalu. Ada yang naik mobil pribadi, naik Panther antar daerah, ada pula yang sekadar mengasingkan diri di rumahnya di pinggir kota. Sebenarnya aku sah-sah saja melakukan hal serupa. Tidak ada yang melarang, pun sanksi tidak seberapa. Masih masuk akal kehilangan selembar dua lembar seratus ribuan demi liburan beberapa hari dan berkumpul bersama keluarga.

Hanya bagiku,
Untuk apa kutukar lembaran uang itu?
I can say I'm fucked up tonight until three days after.

Shall I write that I have a huge huge huge family with many fathers and mothers, but I prefer being around a Chinese couple near my office or at Bambalamotu, or Malino, or Rammang-rammang?
I've done it.

Pada momen seperti ini, sepertinya setiap orang berubah sangat egois. Kelompok di sana masa bodoh dengan sosial because they have God yang segera dan pasti mengampuni semua dosa dan menerima amalan mereka. Kelompok lain don't really give a fuck asalkan dapat berkumpul bersama keluarga. Ada juga sih setahuku yang menjadikan lebaran sebagai sarana berbasa-basi atau formalitas lantaran terikat hubungan darah (sebenarnya mereka saling membenci di dalam hati, but gotta being fake di depan orang tua). Lainnya berjuang berkumpul bersama keluarga di kampus. Dan di antara semua jenis orang-orangan ini, tidak akan ada yang peduli kepada orang-orang sejenis saya.

Yaah, sayalah itu yang membantu seseorang membersihkan tempat tinggalnya sebelum orang tua dan keluarganya datang agar mereka dapat beristirahat dengan nyaman sebab keesokan paginya harus kembali menempuh perjalanan jauh. Sayalah itu yang menjadi anak pengganti bagi sepasang kekasih Chinese sebab anak gadisnya sekarnag entah di mana. Sayalah itu yang diharap-harapkan seorang ibu paruh baya, di dalam hatinya ia menyesali memiliki anak yang karakternya tidak sepertiku. Sayalah itu, seseorang yang diam-diam merokok di dalam keremangan parkiran seharga 3000 ribu rupiah per hari, di samping sebuah gedung hotel berlantai 18.

Aku tahu, dari sudut pandangmu aku tidak sedang berbahagia

Tetapi hati setiap manusia adalah misteri

Kamu mana tahu apa yang aku rasakan sebenarnya, kecuali kamu bertanya A atau B dan aku menjawab dengan menyebut satu di antaranya (itupun kalau aku sedang tidak berbohong)

demikianlah,

satu hal yang pasti, gema takbiran membuatku merindu. kepada banyak...

ayah,

ibuku yang dahulu,

sahabat-sahabat lama,

petualangan,

proses belajar di kampus,

sahabatku di alam ruh,

kucing-kucingku yang straight to heaven

and.... probably you,

14 Juni 2018

Memang saya ceroboh dan sering mengingkar janji kepadaNya. Sudah bersedu-sedan takkan mengulang, namun saya membuka kesempatan lagi. Siapa yang aku salahkan kali ini?

Sepasang kakiku,
Jaringan internet,
Jemariku,
Supir sialan itu!
Bukan. Ini salahnya yang terlalu mengikuti arus.

Ah, pikiranku sendiri.
Otak 27 tahun ini sering tidak berdaya
Namanya tanaman tropis, harus sering disiram.

Aku akan beranjak segera, meninggalkan semua hal yang tak lagi menginginkanku di kota ini
Mereka berdua,
Mereka serumah,
Mereka yang terus melangkah meninggalkanku,
Kucing-kucing ini....

Aku sedang mengumpulkan kekuatan material untuk melangkah, sembari menunggumu siap ditinggalkan.

I was sitting on some kind of dried pond and talking to friends. We were killing the time until the last participant finally made the meeting started. The last one came. So we talked about what we should had talked. He took one cigar, I lend him my lighter. I took one cigar too. I was glad having a lighter called Sriti, because you were happy with its name. You were happy using it.

I can't forget the way you looked at me with the tail of your eyes, that night.

happy people enjoy the music,sad ones understand the lyrics.

August playlist:

Birdy - Just a game
The Smiths - Please, please, please get me what i want
Lorde - Liability
Athlete - Wires
Daft Punk ft. Julian Casablanca - Instant Crush
Stars and Rabbit - Man upon the hill
Lana del Rey - Yayo
Tame Impala - Let it happen
Slash ft. Adam Levine - Gotten
Aurora - Murder Song

The Almighty - Al Ikhlas

reckoning memories as far as i could reach, as complete as i could collect, past time is heavy and sharp. a beautiful lady contained little me accidentally. then she push it out to the world in fear and grief.

the girl grew extraordinary with full exposured senses. that and that broke them slowly. as far as she could understand, she was happy losing them. the not so red lips are now paler. the clear sight has taken from her little round eyes. her skin is darker. and she could not listen to beautiful sounds as the other did. finding the world and its people are grotesque to care.

she is now a friend of Jenar. the apprentice of Rumi. the follower of Maryam. the bestfriend of Gabriel.

Eyes are like Hajar Aswad. They have sockets, put inside a chasm of dignity - to see, to feel. Once, the meteoric stone was white as clouds of the first day ramadhan, clear as the sky of the lailatul qadar's dusk. For thousand years, it witnessed too many. My eyes used to bright and clear to see. Now they are opaque and blind - to see, to feel

eyes to the brain, to the heart. opaque. it creates weakness and stupidity. now i am wight. i walk to nowhere. i do tasks for zonk. the hell is waiting at the end of the street. am I heading through?

Remember last year when you told me

To always stay here and never leave me

The light from your eyes made it feel like

We-e-e were dancing in the moonlight

Remember last year when you told me

That these will be lifelong stories

The light from your eyes made it feel like

We-e-e, we're dancing in the moonlight

- Vanderwaal

and there is a memory, being repeated by ghost. about promises of candy land. how beautiful the heaven is? i need to change this destination.

In the scale 1-10, I have 6 reasons to commit suicide. but I still have 4 reasons to stay alive: my family, my best friends, my pet, and of course Allah hates suicide.

In this life, people are evolving to be as greedy as possible. You are not cool if you thank too much. You have to feel always unsatisfied of what you've got. Like if you have one million today, don't be happy that fast! because having enough money to eat, to sleep, to save is never enough. you need more to but things that perhaps you will never need. you need more to rent things only to make the other feel jealous of yours.

If you are always be kind to everyone. Like you help without demanding feedback. even only teaching without considering the proper common payment is analyzed rude by them. In order to get appreciation by those greedy people, you have to be as bad as possible. do not share. do not trust anyone. do not do anything without payment. do not even smile if they won't smile back to you.

by all of these facts, no wonder why there are too many fake things on the market. fake faces in television. fake writings in newspaper. fake like icons in your social media. I am not confusing about the way people behave nowadays. All clear, pathetic people want standing ovations from the other pathetic people. Evil for Evil. that is happening everywhere.

If I committed suicide today, they'll have party over my death. I will not please them of course. I am the master of my soul, I am the captain of my own fate.

i have 4 reasons to stay alive and I am spending the rest of my life for them.

I wonder how He draw my destiny on His throne. I feel it's grotesque yet fascinating. I was born smart in mind and soul, to grow sensitive but vindicated. I am on my way to 27, as people told it would be the hardest time in young age. Now I am so lonely. No father to rely on, no best friend to talk with, no man to be in love. I have is a spirit to pursue my dream which I am not even sure it is a dream or only another shape of ambition or revenge.

in another sentence, I am feeling lost.

I once, again, had a true love - at least, that's what I've felt for one year- then it's just suddenly disappear. Again, someone I love got misunderstood upon my attitudes and words. what the fuck is happening to me? it seems everything so easy to disappear. the more I try to keep them, the faster they run away.

Baby really hurt me

Crying in the taxi

He don't wanna know me

Says he made the big mistake of dancing in my storm

Says it was poison

So I guess I'll go home

Into the arms of the girl that I love

The only love I haven't screwed up

She's so hard to please

But she's a forest fire

I do my best to meet her demands

Play at romance, we slow dance

In the living room, but all that a stranger would see

Is one girl swaying alone

Stroking her cheek

They say, "You're a little much for me

You're a liability

You're a little much for me"

So they pull back, make other plans

I understand, I'm a liability

Get you wild, make you leave

I'm a little much for

......................, everyone

The truth is I am a toy that people enjoy

'Til all of the tricks don't work anymore

And then they are bored of me

I know that it's exciting

Running through the night, but

Every perfect summer's

Eating me alive until you're gone

Better on my own

They're gonna watch me

Disappear into the sun

You're all gonna watch me

Disappear into the sun

* Lorde - Liability

sometimes I did my best then it's failed.

sometimes I did not give a damn, then it's just okay

sometimes I did the same and expected nothing in return, the result was still unbelievable.

but mostly, I tried baby, I tried. I am just a human being, born not to be perfect on any occasions. I've tried, baby. I've tried.

following a sufi I adore the most, I think she made it well. there was only one love for her but she had everything. no fear in her life. no fear but fear of Him.

oh, wind

oh, earth,

oh, water

oh, fire

oh, iron

help me.

terasa sungguh mengejutkan, mengetahui ada beberapa atau sekelompok orang yang terus-menerus membuat cerita buruk tentangku. yang aneh, kebanyakan dari mereka justru tidak kukenali. aku tidak pernah berurusan sesuatu dengan mereka. cerita-cerita yang menyebar di antara mereka timbul tanpa adanya alasan yang jelas. aku sungguh terkejut, WOW, tidak menyangka aku sungguh berpengaruh, hingga ke lingkungan orang-orang yang tidak pernah berinteraksi denganku sebelumnya.

Anda Bebas Utang

Biasa Terjadi Pada Makhluk Hidup.

Berserah Diri

Finalisasi

Bukan Sunyi, Ini Lebih Dari Sepi

BE GENUINE!

Blessed Friday

Mata Ketiga, Perang, dan Perjalanan

Racun Dunia

Episode yang Berulang

Shake Hands

Malam Lebaran

Sampai Kau Siap Ditinggalkan

The First Time

August Playlist

A Phoenix on a Branch of Rhododendron

Arms and The Girl

Reasons to Commit Suicide

I am a Liability

Jamuan Makan Malam Bagi Para Pembenciku

Fragmen

Favorit

Fragmen Lainnya

Cari tulisan

Daftar Bacaan

Movie Review

Travel

Book Reviews

Pembaca Blog Ini

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